Capricorn - (22nd-19 jan)
Forget all your worries, enjoy a beer and watch your favourite bond film. YOLT

Aquarius - (20 jan-19 Feb)
You have never held off a million Persians for several days in an attempt to stop the invasion of Greece. however, you have held a large empty table in the local pub waiting for your mates to turn up, so it's basically the same thing.

Pisces - (20 Feb-20 Mar)
Before this month you have never had a threesome with supermodels. This will be true after this week.

Aries - (21 Mar - 19 Apr)
It's time to start putting on shorts and enjoying pub gardens.  well apart from you, unless your 'appeal' come through

Taurus - (20 Apr - 20 May)
For small monthly payments of only £9 over the next 100 months, you can own a scaled replica of the millennium Falcon.. You will also be have a divorce and seeing your kids once a fortnight , but swings and roundabouts!

Gemini - (21 May - 20 Jun)
After a hard days work nothing beats a nice cool bath. Maybe a glass of beer to go with it, actually forget the bath. And the glass .. Just open the bottle

Cancer - (21 Jun - 22 Jul) 
Your resolution to mix things up at work, spells an end to your medical career 

Leo - (23 Jul-22 Aug)
It's time to shift that 'winter weight' , as you've been calling that bloke you met off 'tinder'

Virgo - (23 Aug-22 Sep)
Your sarcastic suggestion to the local cinema "that you can still hear some of the film, as nachos are not loud enough", is met with dismay as they get sponsored by golden delicious.

Libra - (23-23 Oct)
It's not a hipster 'cool' drinking experience, it's basically that squat you accidentally walked in a year ago. Bricked walls with bearded blokes drinking out of marmite jars. 

Scorpio - (24 Oct-21 Nov)
On your morning commute, you keep finding needles in the local park, if you find out who's knitting there you'll kill them.

Sagittarius - (22 Nov-21 Dec)
If you avoid curries and pineapple it'll make your seamen taste nicer, or you can just NOT drink it!?!